The Shoelaces
by Maxwell Klausner
Summary: Elaine interprets her boyfriend's ordering of rainbow sprinkles on his ice cream as a sign of his sexuality. The shoelaces of George's new sneakers won't stay tied, causing mayhem. Kramer uses a new Chinese air spray which Jerry is allergic to.


"The Shoelaces"

Written by Maxwell Klausner

**Characters:**

Jerry

George

Elaine

Kramer

Sean – Elaine's newest boyfriend

Salesman – sells sneakers at _Del Vino's_

Ms. Adler – an elderly lady

Greg – Sean's friend

Ice Cream Man

Waitress

* * *

_**Standup Bit:**_

Jerry: I like to think that I'm a man with good "sneeze etiquette." I always carry around tissues in my pocket, and I wouldn't be caught dead sneezing directly into my hand. But you've got these people who are sneezing all over the place, and frankly, I don't need somebody else's bodily fluids all over me. What if they carry some rare genetic disorder, they sneeze on me once, I contract it from their DNA, and suddenly five years later I just drop dead. That's why I practice good sneeze etiquette: not because I'm polite, it's the thought of giving someone some rare genetic disorder of mine that I don't know about. One day five years from now they might just drop dead, and that's guilt I'm just not prepared to live with.

* * *

_**Scene A:**__ Street. Elaine is walking down the street with her new boyfriend Sean._

Sean: What a great show.

Elaine: I know. Who'd have thought that cats would make such good singers?

(Both laugh. They notice an ice cream truck.)

Sean: Hey, would you like some ice cream?

Elaine: Oh I'd love some. How _sweet_ of you.

(Both laugh again. They approach the ice cream truck)

Elaine: (To Ice Cream Man) I'll have a small cup of low-fat strawberry.

Ice Cream Man: And for you, sir?

Sean: I'll have a cup of vanilla with rainbow sprinkles.

(Elaine looks surprised.)

_**Scene B**__: Jerry's Apartment. Elaine and Jerry._

Jerry: So what? I like sprinkles. They add texture.

Elaine: Rainbow sprinkles, Jerry?

Jerry: Okay, so he likes rainbow sprinkles. What are you trying to say?

Elaine: I don't know. Just with the _Cats_ and the rainbow sprinkles. I'm starting to think maybe…

Jerry: Oh, Elaine. You still like the guy, don't you?

Elaine: He's so perfect, Jerry. Can you understand what perfect means?

Jerry: Apparently it means ice cream.

(George Enters)

George: Hey, either of you want a new pair of shoes?

Elaine: I don't think we really have the same fashion-sense.

George: No I got this discount from my office at Del Vino's Sneakers and I was wondering if either of you wanted it.

Jerry: Why don't you want it?

George: Eh, I had a little bit of an issue with Del Vino's a few years ago.

Jerry: Namely…

George: I kept asking the guy to let me try the shoes on myself. I hate it when they do it for you. You know I've never liked being touched. But he kept insisting he tie the shoes for me. So I walked out. Haven't been in there since.

Elaine: Well Del Vino's is a very expensive store, George. If I were you I would just take it.

George: Fine. But no one's touching my feet!

Jerry: Hey George, let me ask you something. You like sprinkles?

Elaine: Oh Jerry…

George: You mean like on ice cream?

Jerry: Yeah.

George: Sure, I like sprinkles. They add texture.

Jerry: Yeah, but do you like rainbow sprinkles?

George: (Laughs) Rainbow sprinkles? Jerry the only kind of guy who likes rainbow sprinkles is—

Elaine: Alright! I get it.

_**Scene C:**__ Del Vino's Sneaker store. George is looking at the sneakers. Salesman approaches him._

Salesman: Can I help you?

George: Yeah, I'd like to try on that pair in an 8.

Salesman: Sure. One moment. (Walks into backroom, returns with shoebox.) Here you go sir. Now just sit down and I'll help—

George: That's where I'm going to have to stop you. I'd really prefer to try them on myself.

Salesman: No, you'll never be able to tie these.

George: What does that mean?

Salesman: Well we at Del Vino's pride ourselves on the most state-of-the-art shoelaces. Only a trained expert such as myself can tie them.

George: You know what? I'll take them! I don't need to try them on.

_**Scene D**__: Jerry's apartment. Jerry walks out of his bedroom. Kramer enters with an aerosol can in hand._

Kramer: Do you smell that?

Jerry: It wasn't me.

Kramer: No, it smells like an ordinary apartment. You need to spice things up in here.

Jerry: You know an interior designer?

Kramer: No, no. Look at this (presents aerosol can.) This is called OrangeBomb Air-Freshener. My friend Bob Saccamano got me two dozen cans of these straight from the harbor. You can't get this anywhere else, Jerry. It hasn't even been approved by the FDA.

Jerry: And why is that?

Kramer: Well it's made in China and they put this special ingredient in it that they can't use in the US. Now it's not poisonous or anything, so don't get any ideas. It just smells extremely close to an orange. It's all corruption really. The government doesn't want some foreign product coming in and competing with the American orange industry. But for your apartment, (sprays the air freshener) it is just perfect. Go on, smell that.

Jerry: It does smell like orange.

Kramer: What did I say? (Sprays some more).

Jerry: (Coughs.) Not too much or I'll drown.

(Intercom buzzes. Jerry answers.)

Jerry: Yeah?

George: (Through intercom) It's George.

Jerry: Come on up. (Presses release button) (Sneezes)

Kramer: Gesundheit!

Jerry: (Sneezes.) It's that spray, Kramer. It's making me sneeze. Put it away!

(George enters wearing new sneakers. The laces are untied)

George: You got oranges in here?

Jerry: No, it's Kramer's new air freshener and it's making me (sneezes.)

George: Gesundheit!

Jerry: New sneakers?

George: Yep.

Jerry: And did you let the guy put them on for you?

George: Oh Jerry. How weak do you think I am?

Jerry: Obviously too weak to tie your shoes.

George: Again? Ever since I bought them they haven't stayed tied for a minute.

Kramer: Did you get them from Del Vino's?

George: I had a discount.

Kramer: Well did you let the guy there tie them for you?

George: No.

Kramer: George, Del Vino's sneakers use only the most state-of-the-art shoelaces. Only a trained expert who works there can tie them properly. They didn't explain that to you?

George: (Yelling) I don't like being touched!

_**Scene E**__: Monk's. Elaine is sitting across from Sean._

Waitress: What'll it be?

Elaine: I am in such a mood for a hamburger. I'll take it medium.

Waitress: And for you?

Sean: I'll just have a cup of hot tea. Decaffeinated if you have.

(Waitress walks away.)

Sean (cont'd): I'm trying to watch my weight.

Elaine: But you're so skinny to begin with.

Sean: Yeah, but it would be great to look like Tom Cruise. He's so fit.

Elaine: You think Tom Cruise is an attractive man?

Sean: Who am I to judge?

Elaine: Well what about Julia Roberts? Don't you think she is just beautiful?

Sean: Eh, she's not really my type.

Elaine: What exactly is your type, Sean?

_**Scene F: **__Kramer's apartment. He is having fun spraying his air freshener everywhere._

_**Scene G:**__ Street. Jerry and George are walking_

Jerry: (Sneezes)

George: you got allergies?

Jerry: It's that spray of Kramer's. No wonder it's unapproved by the FDA. It's like it got stuck in my nose or something. (Beat) Your shoes are untied.

George: Damn it! (Stops walking, bends over to tie his shoes. As he is hunched over in the middle of the sidewalk, an old lady named Ms. Adler trips right over him and falls.)

Jerry: Good luck with all that! (Walks away).

_**Scene H**__: Monk's. Elaine and Sean are still seated at the same table. Jerry walks in._

Elaine: Oh, Jerry, this is Sean. Sean, this is Jerry.

Sean: Pleased to meet you.

Jerry: Likewise. (Sneezes.) If you'll excuse me, I've got to use the bathroom.

_**Scene I**__: Hospital. Ms. Adler is in a bed, George is sitting beside her._

George: I'm really sorry, Ms. Adler, just truly apologetic.

Ms. Adler: What were you dong crouched over like that in the middle of the street?

George: I, uh, I was tying my shoes.

Ms. Adler: Tying your shoes? You know my nephew is a shoe salesman. He sells state-of-the-art shoelaces over at Del Vino's. Maybe you should buy yourself a pair of shoelaces that actually work there.

George: (Changing the subject.) Can I get you something?

Ms. Adler: Just get the nurse please. My back is aching.

(George walks into the hospital corridor. He slips on his own shoelace and falls on the ground.)

_**Scene J: **__Monk's restroom. Jerry is alone in the men's room, standing at a urinal. Sean walks in and takes the urinal right next to Jerry's. Jerry rolls his eyes._

* * *

_**Scene K:**__ Jerry's apartment. George is lying on the couch with a sling over his left arm._

Jerry: So then he takes the urinal right next to mine. The bathroom was completely empty and he chose the urinal right next to me. I hardly even know him!

George: Yeah, well that sounds interesting.

Jerry: So how did this all happen exactly?

George: It was those shoelaces from Del Vino's! They came untied in the hospital, made me slip, and I dislocated my shoulder!

Jerry: So why are you still wearing the sneakers?

George: I had a discount!

(Kramer bolts into Jerry's apartment and slams the door behind him.)

Kramer: You haven't been using that orange spray, have you?

Jerry: I'm allergic to it. You sprayed it once in here and it's still lingering in the air!

Kramer: Well I found out what that Chinese ingredient does.

Jerry: Oh this should be good.

Kramer: It attracts horseflies!

George: Horseflies?

Kramer: My apartment is swarming with them. On the walls, on the ground, on my chiffonier

Jerry: You're what?

Kramer: I can't go back in there. It's a jungle, Jerry, a jungle.

(Intercom buzzes)

Jerry: (into intercom) Who is it?

Elaine: It's Elaine.

(Jerry pushes the release button.)

Kramer: So what am I supposed to do now?

Jerry: Do you know any horsefly exterminators?

Kramer: (gasps) I left my phonebook in there!

George: I'll tell you what you can do. You can contain and unleash them into Del Vino's shoes. Those people are not gonna get away with this!

Jerry: You know you can't blame them for your clumsiness.

(Elaine enters.)

Elaine: Jerry, what happened yesterday in the coffee shop? You just went to the bathroom and left?

Jerry: Sean didn't say anything, did he?

Elaine: About what?

Jerry: Oh nothing.

Elaine: Tell me!

Jerry: You really want to know?

Elaine: Yeah.

Jerry: Well, we were the only two in the bathroom and he decided to take the urinal right next to mine.

Elaine: So.

Jerry: So, you don't do that! If you hardly know the other guy and you have the ability to use a further urinal, you take the further urinal.

Elaine: (Whining) Jerry he was so perfect!

George: Is this the rainbow sprinkles guy?

Elaine: No, he is not the "rainbow sprinkles" guy, he is my guy and I like him. That urinal rule is so stupid anyway. I know a lot of guys who like rainbow sprinkles and wear scarves.

Jerry: He wears a scarf?

Elaine: Is that bad?

Jerry: Well…

Elaine: Ugh. I don't care what you guys say. I'm out of here. My boyfriend who I like very much is taking me on a romantic date to _Le Fille._

Jerry: Really? _Le Fille_?

(Elaine storms out.)

George: I'll tell you, I don't even use urinals anymore.

Jerry: No?

George: I don't need all those people watching me while I take care of business. I just can't do it under pressure anymore. I'm a stall guy now. I need one-hundred percent privacy.

Kramer: You got any Raid?

Jerry: No I don't have any Raid. In case you haven't noticed, I am allergic to aerosols.

Kramer: Oh allergies are a myth. When I was a child my pediatrician told me I was allergic to shellfish but I never stopped eating them. And look at me. I turned out fine.

George: Why don't you just turn on your shower with hot water and let your apartment steam up? Bugs hate steam.

Kramer: Is that right?

George: Eh, what do I know?

_**Scene L**__: Fancy Restaurant. Elaine and Sean are enjoying dinner while smiling and talking._

Elaine: You see, this is so good. Just two people talking and enjoying each other's company.

Sean: I completely agree, Elaine.

Elaine: I mean, who is anybody to tell us who we can see and who we can't, right?

Sean: Of course, darling.

Elaine: And if one of us should be interested in a different type of person, we should just come right out and say it.

Sean: Are you cheating on me? (Beat, then both laugh.) Oh Elaine. I really like you. Let's get away.

Elaine: Okay. Why not?

Sean: I haven't told you this but I have the most cozy little bungalow on the beach. Let's just spend the weekend there.

Elaine: I would love that. Where is it?

Sean: Fire Island.

_**Scene M:**__ Monk's. Jerry sits across from George who is still in a sling. Both are eating sandwiches._

George: What is wheat bread?

Jerry: What do you mean?

George: Well, there's white bread and there's wheat bread. They're both made from wheat, so what's the difference?

Jerry: I think white bread is bleached.

George: So what do they use, Clorox?

Jerry: Yeah, that sounds about right.

George: (Tries to pick up his sandwich with his bad arm, but it falls.) You know I'm going to sue that store.

Jerry: For what?

George: Personal damages! If they didn't sell me those stupid shoelaces, I would never have dislocated my shoulder.

Jerry: What does that mean anyway? How can you dislocate something? I mean it's in your body somewhere, you just have to find it.

George: Oh very funny.

(The Salesman from Del Vino's walks in. Notices George.)

Salesman: Hey you!

George: Yes.

Salesman: You Costanza?

George: Yes.

Salesman: Yeah I remember you. You had that discount over at Del Vino's a couple of days ago. What the hell were you doing attacking my Aunt Martha?

George: I'll tell you what; you're stupid state-of-the-art shoelaces came undone in the middle of the street and when I bent over to tie them, she tripped over me.

Salesman: Well you better watch where you step, buddy. (Walks away.)

George: Like I have a choice! (To Jerry) Can you believe this? The whole world's after me now because of those stupid shoelaces.

Jerry: (Sneezes)

George: Still sneezing?

Jerry: If this gets any worse I'm going to have to see someone.

George: Well in the meantime, watch where you're sneezing. You almost got some in my coffee.

_**Scene N:**__ Sean's Beach House. Elaine and Sean enter for the first time._

Elaine: Oh this is fantastic.

Sean: Greg!

Elaine: Who's Greg?

Sean: Oh, he's sort of my roommate. He stays here while I'm in the city and pays the rent.

(Greg, a handsome young man, enters.)

Greg: Sean, I have missed you way too much. You have to get out here more often.

Elaine: Hi, I'm Sean's girlfriend, Elaine.

Greg: Oh it's so nice to meet you. Seany, she's adorable. Why haven't you told me how cute she was?

Sean: Well I didn't want you getting jealous. (Sean and Greg laugh.)

Elaine: Um, you know what, I have a lot of work to do so I'm just going to catch that ferry before it leaves. Uh, don't call me, I'll be busy. (Leaves.)

_**Scene O**__: Jerry's apartment hallway. There is steam in the air and it is hard to see. Jerry and George are walking._

Jerry: Well this has to have something to do with Kramer.

Kramer: (Emerging from the fog.) Is that Jerry?

Jerry: Kramer?

Kramer: Yeah, I took George's advice and steamed up my apartment.

Jerry: (Sneezes.) So why is it so foggy out here?

Kramer: I guess I opened the door.

Jerry: (Sneezes) Kramer, the steam is spreading that orange scent everywhere.

(There is a thud sound as George falls to the ground, but is not seen.)

George: These stupid shoelaces! Help me up, Jerry. I only have one good arm.

Jerry: I can't find you. (Sneezes.)

Kramer: Gesundheit!

* * *

_**Scene P:**__ Monk's. Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, and George._

Jerry: So what happened to Mr. Perfect?

Elaine: Let's just say he wasn't exactly into my kind of sprinkles. And you, Kramer? How's your apartment?

Kramer: More sparkly clean than ever. Though I have to say, I kind of miss the smell of that OrangeBomb.

George: (Sneezes) Well I think I've inhaled it permanently. (Sneezes.) By the way, any of you need a new pair of sneakers? Del Vino's gave me another discount certificate in reparations for my arm.

Kramer: Ooh, state-of-the-art shoelaces.

(Exit music, and END)


End file.
